thoughts on identity labels...

It may seem like we’ve talked the term gay to death in the last couple weeks. Two weeks ago our topic was using the evangelical lens in the discussion regarding  the identifier gay Christian and the concern about identity. And last week, we worked to shift our paradigm in the church related to the term Side B and understand that there are believers in our midst, holding to a historical sexual ethic, that choose to use the word gay in the way that they describe themselves.

This week we are going to look through the eyes of a believer who is attracted to the same sex and the choice of identifying as Same Sex Attracted versus Celibate Gay Christian. We already understand that the believer in question holds to a doctrine that says that God reserves sex for inside a male/female marriage. This believer is either single and celibate or in an opposite sex marriage, and in either of these vocations seeking to honor Jesus. They are Side B.

One of the points that I have tried to make is that, for me, how a person describes themselves is not going to be something that I demand that they change. There may be people that I sit with that I encourage to think through the implications of their label, but that takes knowing and relationship. Unfortunately, many in the church have lined up and accused their brothers and sisters of not having an identity rooted in Christ simply because they use the identifier gay.

In this short post, I hope to discuss the history and baggage that comes with each term: gay and SSA. For most believers in this situation, the way that they’ve chosen to describe themselves has required much thought and has been done very deliberately. There is history to consider whichever identifier you use. 

And some choose no specific identifier because of this, or other reasons.

Beginning in the middle 1970’s and through about 2013, the group Exodus was an organization that sought to help same sex attracted believers ‘reorient’ their desires toward being straight. They, along with other groups, formed what is referred to today as the ‘Ex-Gay’ movement: a collection of groups that encouraged people to refrain from homosexual relationships, to seek to reorient their desires towards heterosexuality, or to enter into an opposite sex marriage. The term same sex attracted comes out of this movement. And this association with the ‘Ex- Gay’ movement repels many from using the phrase same sex attracted to refer to themselves.

For others, the term gay also carries baggage. In everyday conversations, many could interpret the use of the word gay to mean that you are affirming of gay marriage and relationships. In society today, the word gay comes laden with preconceived ideas.  Ideas about Pride parades, the LGBTQ community at large, and who knows what else!

So often, Side B believers also use the word celibate: celibate, gay, Christian. This gives a fuller explanation, it is thought, to the experience of a Christian who is attracted to the same sex and holds to a sexual ethic that reserves sex for inside a male/female marriage. Wow! That’s a mouthful!

So hopefully, in this short post, you’ve come to understand a small bit of where the differing identifiers come from and the thought that goes into choosing one.

The long mouthful is hard to consistently use and explain in conversation. I completely understand people wanting a shorthand way of describing this part of their person, this portion of their experience.

Regardless of where you land on agreeing with this or that term, it seems that loving well requires asking some questions to understand the person sitting in front of you (six feet away with a mask perhaps :). Wanting to understand how they see and describe themselves has much value in communicating genuine care. A long time friend, when talking about a recent painful experience, said

“You’ve loved well. And when you work to love well, you don’t have much to regret.”

Those words have rolled around in my mind since he said them.

Let’s work to love well.